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This is the story of how I walked 30 km. between Hamilton and Burlington, why I did it, and what I learned from it.
As a former recreational runner, I was excited to discover that long distance “Power” walking is being promoted as a viable athletic activity. I started training through the Running Room in October 2007 in preparation for a half-marathon event at the beginning of March. The training (even during this past harsh winter) was amazing! Everyone in the clinic developed confidence, had tremendous amounts of fun and learned to laugh at freezing rain, snow and slippery slopes. We (five of us hardy souls) completed the Chilly Half-Marathon on March 3rd, tired but elated.
At the urging of my daughter (a dedicated runner) I registered for the 30 km. Around the Bay race, scheduled for March 30th. Actually, my loving daughter “gifted” me with the registration for my birthday!
As race day approached, I was pretty ambivalent about my commitment to participate. The circumstances in my life had shifted dramatically around the middle of the month, which meant my training pretty much went downhill. Although I did make the effort to continue walking most days, the enthusiasm was certainly lacking.
On March 15th, my sweet gentle husband left for work at the usual time and didn’t return. Because he has a severe case of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I knew immediately that he’d gone into what’s known as a Dissociative State and that I might not hear from him for weeks or months. He’s described it as “being in a fog”. Although people in this condition appear to function just fine on a cognitive level, they are “split off from their emotions” and their current reality. In their minds, they’re back in the time when they were traumatized. I didn’t know when or if he would “snap out of it” and return.
Of course, I administered heavy doses of EFT to myself and gratefully accepted support from friends and family. I tried to focus on a positive outcome. Nevertheless my heart wasn’t exactly jumpin’ for joy at the thought of that race.
Ultimately, I decided to participate. I’m not sure why, except that I had also decided to carry on as much as possible with my “normal” life. I made another decison. I would look at this event as a kind of spiritual journey and it would bring me strength.
As I began the walk, waving to my daughter and her boyfriend, I fought back tears. I also told myself that by the end of the course I would have an answer to my question “What can I do to help my husband?”
The race challenged me physically in ways I don’t remember ever having been challenged (well, maybe childbirth!). The wind was strong, and blowing towards us. The route was hilly, especially towards the end.
The scenery however was spectacular. Whitecaps on Lake Ontario. Sun reflected off the snow. Winding hillsides. And the folks in Hamilton were fantastic. On a cold late winter day, they came out in droves to cheer on these crazy walkers and (God bless them!) runners who chose to spend the better part of a Sunday walking between two cities.
I used every trick I could think of to get to the finish line. Visualization. Affirmations. EFT. Chi walking. At 26 km. I “hit the wall”. My body said “I’m outta here”. A part of my brain said “I can’t do this” and another part said “So what are you going to do instead?-go back or just sit down and cry?
The choice was obvious-keep going. The last four km were the most challenging as we dealt with “THE HILL”. People who’ve done this event before had told me about it, and I thought “How bad can it be?” It was bad. Interestingly, at that point I realized that even in my current life circumstances, my choice could be, “just keep going”. It’s always a choice.
I also received the message that my husband was on his own journey, that he would be okay and that he and his Creator would figure out what to do. It wasn’t up to me.
Just before the finish line I saw the faces of two of my perfect grandchildren. I was so elated to see them that I stopped to hug them until my daughter loudly reminded me to “keep going”!
Postscript: I finished the race in four hours and forty-odd minutes. I was barely able to walk for the next week. My husband remained in his fog for another couple of weeks. When he came out of it he returned to Ontario and is now seeking treatment. He gave me permission to share this story and has started a book. We both hope our experiences may inspire others who are facing challenging circumstances. My husband is still on his journey and I’m still on mine and we are blessed to have each other.
